love one's self
by K. East
Summary: Sirius must learn to accept himself, but first will others accept him? Oneshot. Slash...kind of.


"**love one's self**" -

Sirius was in a frenzy.

The notebook - _his_ notebook, was gone. He'd ripped apart the common room, looking under the sofa, behind the cushions; he'd even checked the fire for the ashes of his precious papers, as if someone would be at all possessed to burn a book.

And why would they burn it, anyway - that beautiful, leather-bound book with its cream-coloured pages and - well, just thinking of it smoldering away, the smoke curling up into the air - Sirius felt vividly, and violently angry.

"Where _is_ that damn thing?" he muttered to himself, collapsing on an armchair. He'd gone through his trunk; he'd looked in the common room, ignoring the questions of his roommates, and _still_the notebook hadn't shown. Maybe it was in his bookbag, or in a classroom somewhere...

"Why don't you just summon it?" James asked, trotting over to seat himself beside Sirius. He'd been watching in silent confusion for a while now, unsure of what, exactly, they were looking for.

"Can't," Sirius murmured, averting his gaze. The last thing he wanted to see now was the concern in those hazel eyes - concern which could disappear in the span of a minute. "I put an Anti-Summoning charm on it."

James touched Sirius's arm, making him shiver slihgtly - too slightly to be noticeable. God, he didn't know what he was doing, did he? He didn't understand how immensely he could torture a person...

Until now, Sirius had tried to ignore it.

"What's so important and secret that you are hiding it from everyone else?"

"Nothing," he said softly.

_He brought me food today. I had to cram for final exams so he went to dinner and brought me back food. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I never actually believed that until now. He's a great friend!_

_- May 31, 1973_

_I'm really glad we have a secret now. I don't think our friendship would've lasted if there wasn't something to bond the four of us together. But I still won't ever tell anyone about what happened yesterday..._

_- September 18, 1973_

"I told you, you probably left it in the library," James insisted, tugging on Sirius's arm. "You know, like the time you left the Map there..."

"Because I study so much." Sirius yanked his arm out of the (admittedly strong) grasp and just wished there was some other way. If that notebook got into the wrong hands, everything would be over. He'd have to confess..

He blinked, his eyes suddenly hot. _No!_ There was no way he'd cry over a fucking book. Sirius..._didn't_ cry.

"Sirius..." James put a hand on his shoulder, nearly forcing him to turn around and look him in the eyes. "You've been acting so different lately. What's up?"

_My life is falling apart. I think I have a crush on Peter. I don't know why but when I found this stupid notebook (which I haven't used since last year) I had to write it down - had to tell someone. It's s if this has been pent up inside me for far too long, and I just need an outlet!_

_It all started this September at King's Cross. I just felt so relieved to see all my friends, and I even hugged Peter as a joke... I don't know why... and every time he said something, I laughed..._

_What's going on with me? Am I...? How can I tell James?_

_- October 22, 1974_

_I tried to kiss Peter and it all went wrong. I told him that girls find it really attractive when two guys kiss, and yes I would know that because blah, blah, blah. He pretty much bought it. The only problem is, James walked in on our "rehearsal session" and his face just _blanched_. I think he could tell I was enjoying myself... what do I do?_

_- October 30, 1974_

"It's not here," Sirius said, slumping against the door of the boys' lavatory. "God."

"You've looked in practically every room in the school," James said exasperatedly. He was bent over the sink staring at the porcelain with the disinterest of an extremely exhausted, bored person.

Sirius growled and kicked the wall. "There's no way in hell it left this school. I wouldn't have taken it to Hogsmeade."

"Just like you _would_ take it into the loo."

He didn't respond, instead preferring to dwell on the missing notebook.

It'd held all his secrets - the things he didn't want anyone to ever, _ever_ find out about his life. The things that, were he anyone but _Sirius Black_, might've been alright to share.

James watched Sirius for the longest time, until he felt numbly uncomfortable and looked away.

"What was it?"

"Nothing."

He frowned. "C'mon. We never talk or hang out anymore - it's like you're avoiding me. The least you could do is tell me something as trivial as what you've been looking for."

What he's been looking for - well, wasn't that obvious? Other than that God-damned notebook, what was he looking for? What did he _want_? The question hung heavily in the air, a fragmented thought bubble above Sirius's head.

_This summer has been pretty strange. I'm living at James's house now; his parents took me in. I just recently decided to re-read what I'd written in this notebook, and I'm surprised... and a little embarrassed. It seems like so long ago that I was having that identity crisis, although it was only about ten months ago._

_Living with the Potters has been a lot better than staying at home. It's somehow not as annoying as I thought it would be._

_Still, I keep wondering more and more if I should tell James about what I wrote about last October..._

_- August 10, 1975_

_James is suspicious. He told me about seeing me and Peter and accused me of taking advantage of my friend. Said he'd suspected me all along. I didn't know what to do, but I definitely didn't want to tell him - not when I'm so confused about it myself - so I lied to him the same way I lied to Peter..._

_I think I might be... but I still like girls. What does that mean?_

_- September 4, 1975_

Sirius went to lunch in a bad mood, having not found his notebook in any of his first four classes. Now there was barely any hope that he would find it; hr would just have to hope no one else did.

"You look mopey," James commented, mouth full of rice. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he muttered, not looking any of his friends in the eyes. He quietly took a bite of food.

Remus brushed his hair out of his eyes, giving Sirius a critical look. "Are you sure? Exams are coming up and you haven't asked us to study with you _once_."

"I'm _fine_, Remus," Sirius snapped, slamming his fork down on the table. Across from him, Peter jumped in surprise, but Sirius didn't feel the least bit ashamed. "Has it ever occured to you that maybe I want to study alone?" _Maybe I want to _be _alone._ He stood and stalked away from the table, unaware that three pairs of eyes watched him in utter confusion.

"What's his problem?" James muttered. THe other two shrugged, and the topic changed quickly. "Hey, where's Lily? D'ya think she's in the common room?"

"She wouldn't talk to you if she was, mate."

_I am. I really am. Today in the dorm, James was changing into his Quidditch robes and I could barely look away. Why me? God, I'm such a fucking pervert... and even worse, I kissed Ane Hill after Charms because I wanted to see what happened. Nothing happened! What's going on? Why am I suddenly different? Why am I _gay_?_

_- September 12, 1975_

_James keeps talking about Evans, and I'm starting to feel a twinge of jealousy. He's not like me, I know that for sure. I can't stand myself - what would they say if I tried to tell them? Remus might not judge, but Peter wouldr ealized why I kissed him and _never_ be my friend again - James would say "I told you so..."_

_- September 22, 1975_

They lay, quite silent, in their dormitory, trying to fall asleep but not really succeeding. James and Sirius merely watched the ceiling from their beds which, years ago, they'd decided would be next to each other.

"Sirius?"

He winced, trying to pretend he hadn't heard his friend. James glanced over, though, and now he was helpless to defend himself. "Yes?"

"What is it you lost?"

There was a long pause. "A notebook."

"Was this notebook important?"

"Kind of."

A sigh. "Is that why you're upset?"

There was another pause, not as awkward but twice as long. The silence was pregnant with meaning as Sirius mulled this over.

Then he turned over and buried his face ashamedly in his pillow. "...not really."

_I am a horrible, horrible person for being even remotely - even remotely... well, interested in James._

_I mean, he's been my best friend for years and years - he doesn't even know what's been going on, let along the fact that I might be attracted to him. I think when I told him I wasn't "taking advantage of" Peter, he really believed and trusted me - now I'm betraying that trust. I must be a complete sicko._

_How can I ever tell anyone? This notebook has to die. It has to be destroyed - or something - because if it isn't, and someone discovers this... then my life is one-hundred percent over._

_I want to know why God chose this for me, and what He has in mind._

_- October 25, 1975_

_I don't want to tell anyone anything, but I couldn't bring myself to destroy this... no! What am I talking about? It _must_ be destroyed! Then I might as well write it here._

_I, Sirius Black, am in love with my best friend, James Potter._

_- November 1, 1975_

Lily closed the book gently, running her hand over its soft leather cover. Years of mundane information had lain untouched in this joural, but the parts she did choose to read...

Tears threatened to leak from her eyes, and she didn't hold them back, crying for everything she'd taken away...

Before returning to the girls' dormitory that night, she gently replaced the book in the center of the fireplace, right in the grey ashes as she'd found it, knowing that the rightful owner would find it and decide its fate.

It looked pitiful there, a vibrant tan among the meager firewood. And if not found, the House Elves would light that fire tonight...

_With no love for one's self_

_How can there be love for_

_anyone else?_

_- Mary E. Coe_

END

* * *

**Author's Note:** I wanted to write a oneshot about Sirius, but I also wanted a different perspective on his character. This is a bit odd, but I hope you like it. And yes, Sirius had a crush on Peter. Peter's not the most attractive (or moral) fellow, but Sirius likes and befriends people for their personalities, not necessarily their character qualities or their physique. Moral of the story: Peter rocks.


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